I Can't Quit you Baby
by hobbleit
Summary: Christian gets the wrong impression when seeing Syed with a new man. Can they find their way back to each other or is it too late?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: New fic time. Written solely to cheer me up from all the depression of the storyline. Going to call this AU simply because it's how I want it to go not anyone else. Was originally going to be a oneshot but now it's multi-chapter.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Eastenders or Christian and Syed (shame really) :D  
**

**I Can't Quit You Baby**

**Chapter One**

The first time Christian saw them together they were standing in the middle of the Square. They were just talking, it all seemed completely innocent but Christian felt an instant pang of jealousy. They were standing too close for his liking, not close enough to look intimate but close enough to make Christian think there was something between them. He felt like an idiot and a voyeur because he could not move away, he was rooted to the spot and all he could do was stand there and stare; his mouth slightly open. It was embarrassing. Thankfully he managed to come to his senses before they saw him and he hurried off without them ever knowing what he had seen.

The second time Christian saw them together he realised how attractive the other man was. He was young, younger than him and more Syed's age. He was handsome too, with thick black hair and beautiful eyes. The jealous feeling hit him again. He knew he had no right to be jealous, just like Syed had no right to be jealous over him seeing someone but his mind was not in a rational mood right now and the thought of them together was sending him into overdrive.

He had never stopped loving Syed even after everything that had happened. All the lies and recriminations in the world could not stop him from loving Syed. They hadn't even really spoken since the flat warming party, only once when Christian told Syed to leave him alone. It saddened him to realise just how bad things were between them and as much as he wanted to be with him again, Christian knew he couldn't go back to the way things were. If they were going to be together then it would have to be different this time.

The third time he saw them together they were in the pub when Christian was working. It felt as if Syed was trying to rub it in how he was managing to move on. It just didn't seem fair. They looked really cosy this time, knees practically touching and Syed was smiling. Not just a polite smile to suit the company present but a huge grin, the kind of smile that made his eyes light up and make the corners of his eyes go crinkly. It was like a knife to his heart and it took of all his strength not to run off. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply before opening them and seeing that they were gone. Able to move again, Christian carried on with his job.

The next day Christian saw Syed on his own walking across the Square. He resisted the very strong urge to go over and talk to him. Ask him about his new man. Demand to know how this bloke could make Syed happy and comfortable in himself when that is all that Christian had ever wanted to make him feel. He wanted to know why he was not enough for Syed.

He didn't though. He just walked away.

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Syed knew Christian had noticed him with his new friend. He had caught him staring at them in the pub the day earlier and, feeling uncomfortable, had decided to leave immediately. He also knew what Christian was thinking. He was thinking that Syed had moved on and found a new man to be happy with but Christian was wrong. There was nothing going on between them, there couldn't be. Syed was still head over heels in love with Christian but he couldn't tell him any of that. Syed felt as though there had been too much water under the bridge for them to be close again no matter how much he wanted it. He had hurt Christian too many times to attempt to build bridges. He couldn't just tell him how he felt and expect Christian to come running. So he stayed away from him.

It wasn't just about Christian though. It was about him and who he was as a person. Syed knew he couldn't live like he had been, the lies and secrets had become too much to bear and once they had come crashing down around him he had been left with nothing. He had to find out who he was as a person and that meant being on his own for a while. No matter how much he still loved Christian.

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Christian had made it his own personal mission to avoid seeing Syed at all costs. That was he didn't have to feel jealous at how he was moving on and it helped him resist the urge to shout at Syed. He sat in his flat staring blankly at the wall trying to think what the hell to do. He didn't even hear the buzzer the first time it went off. It buzzed again, bringing Christian out of his thoughts. He crossed the room to the door and picked up the phone.

"Hello?" He said.

"Can I come up?" He heard a very familiar voice reply. His heart immediately leapt into his mouth and it felt difficult to breathe. So much for avoiding Syed, he had come directly to him.

"Sure," Christian managed to say as he buzzed him up. He moved away from the door and turned his back, grabbing hold of the chair for support.

"Thanks," he heard the voice again, that wonderful voice that had the power to turn him to jelly. "I wanted to talk to you."

"Of course. What about?"

"I know you've seen me with someone else but..." he started but Christian interrupted him.

"Yeah, I'm glad... that you're moving on... finding someone else. I'm happy for you," Christian told him, trying his hardest to sound sincere.

"What?" Syed seemed to be very surprised by what Christian was saying. "You think I'm going out with him?"

"Aren't you? You both seemed very cosy."

"He's not my boyfriend," Syed confirmed with a slight smile on his face. "He's been helping me out."

"How?"

"He's a counsellor," Syed explained. "He's been helping come to terms with everything. I've been talking to him a couple of times a week because I've been trying to deal with being gay and being a Muslim and certain family member's reaction to my situation."

"Oh," Christian replied, suddenly feeling very foolish. "I'm sorry, I just assumed because you looked so close."

"How could you think I could just move on that easily? After everything that happened between us? Do you think that I would just stop loving you? Do you think that little of me?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," Christian admitted.

"I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in my life but I have so much baggage I had to work my way through before I'm ready to even consider being in a relationship. It took me a long to get to this point and as much as I love you I can't be with you. I need to be comfortable with who I am first."

"I understand," Christian said.

"Thank you. I don't ever expect for you to want me in that was again but I would like it if we could be friends. I miss you."

"Sy," Christian sighed heavily. "I don't think I could ever stop loving you. I was angry after everything happened, so mad I thought I would never forgive you but my feelings never changed. I want to say that I've moved on, that I can find someone else and be happy but I can't. No-one compares to you."

"I wish I was ready to be with you," Syed told him. "But I'm not and I don't know if I ever will be ready at the moment. I just want you to happy so you should move on and find someone who can love you as much as you deserve. I should go," Syed felt tears begin to well up in his eyes and he didn't want Christian to see them.

"Wait," Christian said and he grabbed Syed's arm. "Don't go, please."

"I can't be who you want me to be," Syed said tearfully. Christian pulled him close and wrapped his arms around the man he loved.

"It's okay," Christian soothed. "I know you're not there but I can wait. I can wait forever until you can say that you can be with me and until then I will be the best friend you could ever want. You can talk to me about anything, okay?"

"Thank you," Syed said, staring deep into Christian's eyes. He leaned up and kissed him chastely on the lips. "I really have to go. I'm meeting Rob."

"Rob?"

"The counsellor I've been seeing. My not boyfriend."

"Oh right," Christian grinned.

"I'll call you later, maybe we could talk?" Syed asked hopefully.

"Sure, call me when you're ready."

"Thank you," Syed smiled and pulled away from Christian. "I'll speak to you later," he said as he opened the door.

"Bye," Christian replied, feeling better than he had done in a long time. Things were definitely starting to look up.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's the next chapter, took so long because I was at a Supernatural con at the weekend. A little bit of angst but it willm all work out happy in the end :D**

**Enjoy**

**Chapter Two**

"How do you deal with the fact your mother hates you?" Syed asked, his face pensive and full of sadness. Rob sat across from him, nodding gently; his face full of understanding. "She barely speaks to me, she never looks me in the eye. I must be such a disappointment to her."

"I'm sure you're not," Rob said to him. Syed shook his head.

"I am. I shamed her and my family. She has every right to hate me."

"You shouldn't think like that, it's only going to make you feel ill again."

"I know," Syed sighed deeply. "I spoke to Christian," he told Rob.

"How did it go?"

Syed smiled slightly, "It went well. We talked and we decided that for the time being we should be friends."

"And are you happy with that?"

"It's the best I can give him right now. We're in two completely different places and I'm not ready to be in a relationship with him but I hate him not being in my life. I need to sort everything out with my family and I need to be comfortable with myself before I can even think about looking for something serious, especially with Christian."

"Have you tried talking to your parents?"

"Every day," Syed said. "Mum just ignores me point blank and dad will talk to me as long as it's not about me being gay. The only one who actually cares is Tamwar. It's unbearable living in the house at the moment. I just want to scream. I just want them to accept me for who I really am. I don't want them to hate me. Whatever I do, I can't please everyone."

"Then maybe you should stop trying to please everyone and do something for yourself."

"I don't know how to do that anymore," Syed sighed and ran a hand through his hair feeling sad and frustrated.

"Yes you do, you can do anything you want. Try and find a new hobby to keep you occupied, start spending more time with yourself because then you will become more comfortable in your own skin. Just think about what you enjoy, what you enjoyed doing before all this happened. Try and meet new people, make new friends. You'll find that it will benefit you in the long run."

"Ok," Syed smiled. "I'll try. It's a bit scary though."

"Of course it is but it's something you need to do. Just get out there and have fun."

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"What are you doing here?" Christian asked as he opened his door for Syed. He didn't sound angry, just surprised.

"I'm getting out more."

"You're not really doing a very good job of it then. This isn't really out, is it?"

Syed smiled sweetly, "I was just wondering if you would like to come with me. You know, do the friend thing we were talking about," he sounded nervous now, like Christian would actually say no.

"I'd love to," Christian smiled back and he saw Syed visibly relax. "What did you have in mind?"

"I hadn't thought of what to do yet, I just put all my thoughts into asking you to come with me."

"Well how about we just go for a walk. It's a nice enough day for it."

"That would be nice," Syed smiled again.

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It was a warm day outside, so they headed out of the Square and found themselves down by the canal. They sat down on one of the benches. Christian stared at Syed, who was looking in the distance. He looked troubled. His eyes were downcast and sad, it made Christian want to pull him into his arms and hug him to make it all better. He didn't though, he was still unsure of what the boundaries were between them.

"Are you okay?" He asked instead.

Syed closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. He looked so vulnerable and scared. He looked as though he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and it broke Christian's heart. After a moment of silence he finally spoke.

"I'm fine, just tired."

"Tired of what?"

"Of everything," Syed told him. "I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of my own mother giving me dirty looks when she thinks I'm not looking. I'm tired of everyone judging me, thinking I'm some sort of scum just because I'm gay. I'm tired on the snide comments Roxy says to me."

"Don't listen to anything Roxy has to say. She thinks she's doing what's best."

"For you or her?"

"I'm not sure," Christian inwardly winced after he said that.

"Thanks," Syed replied slightly sarcastically, taking Christian's words to heart. "I really needed to hear that," he could feel the tears well up in his eyes again, feeling stupid for being so weak.

"I didn't mean it like that," Christian sighed.

"There really isn't any other way to take it. Just be honest with me, please.

"You hurt me. So many times."

"I'm sorry," Syed whispered, his voice cracking.

"I know you are but it still hurt."

"I wish things had been different. I wish I hadn't been so scared. I wish I'd had the courage to tell you how I felt and not string you along."

"No point wishing when there's nothing you can do to change things," Christian smiled regretfully. There had been so much water under the bridge between them. "Just do it right this time."

"What if I don't know how?"

"I think you know how," he replied and gently gave Syed's hand a squeeze. "Just remember that I will always love you," he said but Syed just remained silent. "Tell me what's going on in your head. You're so hard to read sometimes."

"I just want things to be not messed up anymore. It just feels like no matter how hard I try I always end up back to where I started. I try my hardest not to love you, I pray and I pray to Allah to make these feelings go away but they just come back stronger than ever. Then I see you and you're talking to some bloke and I get jealous..."

"If you hadn't noticed I get that way to," Christian interrupted, smiling gently, remembering the events that had happened a few days before.

"I can't live without you but I can't lose my family," Syed admitted. "I don't know what to do."

Christian finally gave into the urge and pulled Syed into a hug. Syed didn't pull away, instead he leaned in and rested his head on Christian's shoulder, closing his eyes and breathing in the older man's scent.

"Only you can choose," Christian whispered and kissed Syed's temple softly.

"What if I can't choose? I can't face losing everyone again. I don't want to be alone."

"What does your heart say?"

"That I should be with you."

"And your head?"

"That I need to be with my family."

"Then maybe you should stop thinking," Christian smiled and leaned in, kissing Syed on the lips, gently at first but deepened it when he felt that Syed was not going to pull away. He ran his hand through Syed's hair, he had missed doing that so much and rested his other hand on Syed's waist. Syed placed his hands on either side of Christian's neck and lost himself in the kiss.

It seemed to last a lifetime, they kissed until they were both in desperate need for air and pulled away. Syed rested his forehead against Christian's and sighed heavily, trying to catch his breath.

"What are you thinking?" Christian asked when he couldn't gauge Syed's reaction.

"I should go," Syed gasped and quickly pulled away from Christian as if he had just been struck by lightning.

"Where are you going?"

"I just need to think. I just need space," he practically begged as he stood up. "I need time," he said as he quickly walked away leaving Christian alone and confused.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I have decided this particular story will only be four chapters long. I may write a sequel to this in the future but atm I have an idea for another story so I'm going to write that one first. It should be up once I've finished posting this one.**

**Chapter Three**

"Are you okay?" Tamwar asked Syed as he rushed through the front door. He could see his older brother's face was flushed and agitated. He wanted to know what was wrong.

"I can't do this anymore," Syed replied, almost crying. "I can't be without him. I can't pretend not to love him, it's tearing me up."

"I take it you're talking about Christian."

"I kissed him. No, he kissed me. I'm not sure who started it but we definitely kissed," Syed said as he slumped down onto the couch and ran his hands through his hair. "And now I don't know what to do."

"Syed," Tamwar started, shaking his head. "You need to stop being so hard on yourself."

"I wish I could," Syed replied quietly, so quietly Tamwar almost didn't hear him.

"Do you love him?"

"What?" Syed sounded confused at the question.

"Do you love Christian?" Tamwar asked again.

"Yes."

"Then maybe you should just give it a go. You obviously can't live without him given that you snog him at every opportunity. Maybe you should stop worrying about what mum and dad think and just be happy for once."

Syed just stared at Tam, shocked into silence by what he had just said.

"It wouldn't kill you to be happy, you know," Tamwar continued. "It might even make you crack a smile for once."

"Shut up," Syed replied in a joking manner.

"Why don't you go and talk to him? Tell him how you feel, maybe you two crazy kids could work it out."

"I don't think he'd want to see me again," Syed slowly replied. "I think I've used up all my chances with him."

"But you just kissed him," Tamwar exclaimed.

"Then I ran away, like I always do. Like the coward I am."

"I'll go and talk to him, then. Tell him all the things you want to say but can't."

"Don't do that it'll probably only make things worse."

"I'm not going to promise that I won't do that," Tam told him. "I just want to see you happy for once."

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Tamwar had to admit he did feel slightly guilty as he rang the buzzer to Christian's flat. Syed hadn't wanted him to talk to Christian but he was going to do it anyway. He was tired of them skirting around each other and he was going to sort them out once and for all.

Christian had been moping in his flat since Syed had run off earlier that afternoon, feeling angry and bitter that the man he loved had run away from him yet again. He was determined this time to put his feelings for Syed to one side and move on. He knew he was kidding himself though, he could never let Syed go.

He had been surprised to see Tamwar standing outside his flat though.

"Afternoon," Tamwar greeted him cheerfully as he pushed past him and headed into the flat.

"What are you doing here?" Christian asked, feeling very confused.

"I wanted to talk to you about Syed."

"And what makes you think I'll listen?"

"Because you love him and he loves you, even though he does act like a complete pillock at times."

"You got that right."

"But you're good for him, you make him happy and I think you two should just be together."

"That's all well and good but what makes you think Syed feels the same."

"Because I know him and I know that he loves you. He just needs the confidence to tell mum and dad where to stick it and be happy."

"Does he know you're here?"

"He told me not to come but I told him I wasn't going to promise I wouldn't. Just talk to him, take away all his fears and make him feel sure he's doing the right thing. Stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life."

"And what if I can't?"

"I know you can," Tamwar urged.

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"Thanks for coming," Christian greeted Syed as he entered the flat. "I wanted to talk."

"Tamwar spoke to you didn't he?"

"He was just doing what he thought was right."

"I told him not to."

"I don't think he paid any attention to you."

"I got that," Syed smiled slightly. "What do you want to talk about?"

"You... Me... Us... I don't know. I just wanted to find out where we stood. If there was any chance for us."

Syed sighed and slumped down on the sofa and Christian followed him. "I want to be with you, I really do but I don't see how this could ever work."

"We can make it work, we just have to be honest with each other and other people," Christian said as he grasped Syed's hand. "Look, we can go slow if you want, no pressure just go at our own pace."

"I don't know," Syed said, his voice quivering.

"Look, I'm going to kiss you now. If you want to be with me then kiss me back, if you don't then pull away," Christian said as he leaned in and pressed his lips gently against Syed's. He froze for a moment when Syed did not respond, thinking that Syed was about to pull away any moment and tell him this was a bad idea. Then Syed kissed him back and he relaxed into the kiss, running his hands through Syed's beautiful hair.

"I want to be with you," Syed whispered into Christian's lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"What do we do now?"

"Well I have an idea," Christian ginned and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Syed laughed.

"That's not what I meant," he grinned back.

"I know but it's more fun than talking about the inevitable. Truth is I don't know how we're ever going to make your mum and dad okay with us being together. They might never be but I don't care. I only care about us."

"I have to tell them," Syed whispered quietly. He sounded sad, almost resigned to the fact his parents were going to be angry with what he had to say. "I made the mistake of hiding this from them before and it blew up in my face. They have to know this time and I'll face whatever I have coming. I'm not going to give you up. Not this time."

"I'll be here waiting for you whatever happens."

Syed pulled away, "I'll be back soon. Probably with all my clothes but I'll be back," he gave Christian one final kiss before he headed for the door. "I'm glad we talked," he smiled.

"Me too," Christian said as he watched Syed walk out once more but the feeling was different this time. He felt hopeful, he felt ecstatic. He and Syed were going to be together now and nothing was going to stand in their way.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: final chapter or this will go on forever. I may continue it in another fic if I ever get the time to sit down and write it**

**Chapter Four**

Syed sighed heavily before entering the house, steeling himself for the inevitable backlash that was about to happen once he told his parents he had made his choice once and for all. They were going to hate him, they had always made it very clear they were not happy with him being gay. He had tried so hard to respect them and honour their wishes that he would not act on these feelings he had but he had failed. He couldn't lie to himself anymore and if that meant he lost his parents respect then so be it.

His hand shook as he placed the key in the lock and turned it. He felt sick. The bile was rising up in his stomach. He didn't know how he was going to do this, all he knew was that he was not going to lie. He pushed the door open and heard Zainab singing, off key, to Kamil. He almost smiled at the sound of his mother doting on his baby brother. Almost smiled.

"Mum," he greeted as politely as he could manage.

"Oh, hello Syed," she replied, her voice still cold towards him even after all those months. Things would never be right between them.

"Is dad home?" He asked. "I need to speak with you both."

"He'll be home soon, what do you want to talk about?"

"It can wait, I need to talk to you both together," Syed explained. He sat down in one of the chairs at the table and waited nervously in silence for his father to return home.

It felt like an age. Neither Syed nor his mother spoke to each other. They both sat in an uncomfortable silence the heavy air between them only permeated by Kamil's sleepy whimpers. Syed could tell Zainab did not want to speak with him, she had avoided anything resembling close contact with him since he moved back home, why should she start acting any different now?

Syed almost breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the door open and his father entered the living room. The time was now. He took a deep breath and stood up.

"Mum, dad I have something I need to tell you."

"What is it?" Masood asked, sounding slightly concerned, like Syed was about to tell them both he was dying. Syed wished it was something like that.

"I have been trying to fight who I am for so long," he started. "And I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to you and I'm tired of lying to myself. I can't deny who I am anymore. I'm gay and I am not going to pretend I'm not anymore. I'm gay and I'm in love with Christian."

Syed looked at his parents, who were completely silent, trying to gauge their reaction. Masood's face was completely blank, he was giving nothing away but Syed could see Zainab's lips twitching. She was about to blow up, Syed could tell. He could feel his hands shake as he waited for the inevitable to happen.

However, it didn't happen. Zainab quietly seethed as Masood began to speak. "And you're sure about this?" He asked slowly and deliberately. Syed nodded dumbly, he couldn't find the energy to speak.

"Then you know what has to happen. I love you, son but you know we cannot support you in this decision. If you decide to be with Christian then you do so without our love."

"I understand," Syed quietly replied, not trusting himself not to cry if he said any more. "I'll just pack my things and then I'll leave," he said as he walked past his parents and headed up the stairs. Behind him he heard his parents begin to argue.

"How can you be so calm about this?" He heard Zainab shout. "He is ruining our entire family and you're just going to stand there and let him shame us any further. You were the one who insisted he move back home, you were the one who told me I had to invite him back into the family and look what has happened. Yet again, he has shamed us."

Syed leaned back against the wall and fought back tears. He knew his mother had never been supportive of his sexuality but hearing the bile and vitriol coming from her mouth against him hurt Syed more than anyone could ever know. He took a deep breath and hurried upstairs to his room and grabbed the nearest bag. As he was stuffing his clothes haphazardly into the bag he heard someone walk up behind him.

"Are you okay?" Tamwar asked. He had heard everything.

"I'm fine," Syed said, his voice cracking. He was not fine at all. He was on the verge of a complete breakdown. "It would have been easier if they'd shouted at me to my face instead of behind my back."

"They'll come around eventually."

"No they won't. They're never going to understand and they're never going to be all right with this."

"You'll always have my support," Tamwar sadly told his big brother as he stood and folded clothes for Syed to pack.

"Thank you, I appreciate it," Syed smiled sadly. He was glad to have the support of his brother when no-one else cared. He zipped closed his bag and threw it over his shoulder. "Could you help me sort out the rest of my stuff?" He asked.

"Of course. Where are you going to stay?"

"With Christian," Syed replied. "At least, at first. Don't know how long for though."

"Something tells me it's going to be for a while," Tamwar smirked.

Syed smiled back and leaned in to hug his little brother. "Thank you, for everything."

"It's not 'cos I like you or anything, just want your room," Tamwar teased.

"At least I know this isn't all for nothing then," Syed joked back. "I'd better go before mum decides to throw me out on the streets. I'll see you soon."

"Sure, I'll come over when you're settled to see how you are."

"Thanks," Syed smiled gratefully before he turned away from his brother and headed down the stairs.

He didn't look back as he left the house for the final time. He made a conscious decision not to look back at the past but instead to concentrate on the future and his new life with Christian. He smiled as he thought of his gorgeous lover and headed over to his flat. He buzzed and waited to be let up the stairs.

Christian stood at the door waiting for him. He looked amazing, better than Syed had ever seen him look before. He dropped his bag to the floor and allowed Christian to pull him into a passionate embrace. Syed clung to Christian, not wanting to be apart from him any longer. He shivered as he felt Christian's tongue run along his lips and he happily opened his mouth in order for him to gain access.

"I love you," Syed said when the kiss finally ended.

"Welcome home," Christian smiled and pulled Syed in for another kiss.


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